Inside The Mind of Ananya Maitri
Rants, Thoughts, Expressions & Feelings
Let's get raw & dig deep together!
10
16
2023
Is Kambo Safe to use?
I had hit a bottom in 2012 and I was ready to end my life. I was done living in depression and carrying pain. I was not looking for Kambo, but Kambo found me.
Sitting in my bathtub, I was crying and ready to give up. I felt that dying was the answer to all of my problems. I called a friend, hoping she would beg me not to hurt myself, but instead, she insisted on staying on the phone with me while I do it.
When I asked her why she would just sit there and listen to me die, she said "it's what you want, isn't it?" I realized that dying was not what I wanted. I wanted help. I wanted to stop feeling the pain I had been living with for most of my life.
She had been telling me about her personal experiences with the frog medicine and when I said that I didn't want her just sitting there listening to me die she asked me what I did want and I blurted out Kambo without really understanding what it was I was getting myself into.
She had just done her Kambo practitioner certification training and had a stopover in Toronto and agreed to get off the plane to share this medicine with me if I organized a group for her to serve.
I was scared. I had no idea what was about to happen and when she arrived there was a part of me that wanted to cancel, but another part of me that knew I needed to do this.
I really believed that I was going to die. It was frog poison and I grew up being told that frog poison can kill a person. All I really knew about was poison dart frogs and what I knew about them was very limited. I trusted my friend though. After all, she had taken this frog medicine several times and was still alive, so, I decided that I would probably be just fine.
I prepare according to her suggestions. We go into my bedroom. She sits me against a wall, puts a garbage bucket in front of me and begins scraping some jelly looking stuff from a stick and lines the dots up and leans towards me with a lit incense stick. She tells me she is going to open the gateways and proceeds to burn little dots on my leg before applying the dots on the stick to my newly open wounds.
Within a minute, I begin feeling my heart pound and throbbing in my head. I feel a constriction in my throat and my breathing become rapid. I begin to feel anxious about what was about to happen and I look up at her in a weak, dizzy and helpless way hoping she could make it stop.
She is speaking gently and telling me that I'm okay and to just breathe, but I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and start becoming nauseated. I then begin to purge yellw and brown fluids excessively into the bucket she provided. As she took the medicine off, I had one last violent purge that felt like my crown was exploding. Dust comes out of my mouth and into the bucket that no one is able to explain. I took rest for a moment before crawling to the tub.
My face was swollen, I had the worst headache and I slunk into the tub with my clothes on and turned the water on to soothe me.
She came in to check on me and I told her that her and her frogs can get out of my house and that I was never going to do this to myself again. She left, but only to get me some fresh fruit.
I slept the rest of the day and straight into the next morning. I was supposed to repeat my session, but I had refused to do so, which she obliged.
I helped her serve a group of ten people that following weekend. On day one everyone had a similar experience to what I had and I swore none of them would return... all of them did. I watched and observed as they returned for their second and third treatments only to see a significant shift in them by day three. I look up at her and say "I'm ready!" and she says "for what?" and I respond "another treatment!"
She served me again and I had the most blissful and unexpected euphoric Kambo experience that was full of complete understanding of what this medicine is and how beautiful it can be.
I spent the next three years assisting ceremonies and doing my own personal work before certifying with Peter Gorman to serve this medicine to others in 2015.
10
15
2023
Dark Night of The Soul
Imagine living a slow, painful death. Every day, a fragment of who you are is chipped away. You're left feeling like the entire world has been pitted against you and everyone you love has turned their backs.
Imagine feeling like a stranger in your own body and mind. You feel like you're hanging on to a thin thread, but you question your sanity for doing so. You exhaust every ounce of your being to just exist and you cannot even think of a good reason to continue doing this to yourself.
You begin to doubt yourself and your existence. Everyone and everything stops being real. You lose trust and you lose faith.
At some point, you begin to feel like it will never end. People will try to cheer you on and convince you to keep pushing forward, but you will look at them and know that they have no clue what it is you're going through and that they themselves have not been introduced to the darkest parts of themselves.
Because that is what the dark night of the soul is... an introduction to your shadow self. The most painful parts of who you are will be fully exposed for everyone to see. You will face humiliation and denied access to support as you navigate the deep wounds that have no hiding place. You will face judgment and find no solace or comfort through the process.
Sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts, numbness, exhaustion and rage rule this experience. It is maddening. It will show you who your friends are and who you cannot trust.
This will be one of the hardest experiences of your life and on the other side of this experience all you are left with is your true authentic self.
For me, I suffered major losses, some of which I was responsible for. I questioned why I even work with sacred medicines when I couldn't compete with the fakes and frauds who were apt with social media and marketing and I had to really unearth my judgmental side that was easily enraged by phony healers and self-proclaimed teachers who have not done their own work and properly earned the right of passage to do as they were doing.
In the end, I was brought back to a heart centered place of remembering who I am and what I am here to do and that is to shine MY light!
10
14
2023
My First Kambo
I had hit a bottom in 2012 and I was ready to end my life. I was done living in depression and carrying pain. I was not looking for Kambo, but Kambo found me.
Sitting in my bathtub, I was crying and ready to give up. I felt that dying was the answer to all of my problems. I called a friend, hoping she would beg me not to hurt myself, but instead, she insisted on staying on the phone with me while I do it.
When I asked her why she would just sit there and listen to me die, she said "it's what you want, isn't it?" I realized that dying was not what I wanted. I wanted help. I wanted to stop feeling the pain I had been living with for most of my life.
She had been telling me about her personal experiences with the frog medicine and when I said that I didn't want her just sitting there listening to me die she asked me what I did want and I blurted out Kambo without really understanding what it was I was getting myself into.
She had just done her Kambo practitioner certification training and had a stopover in Toronto and agreed to get off the plane to share this medicine with me if I organized a group for her to serve.
I was scared. I had no idea what was about to happen and when she arrived there was a part of me that wanted to cancel, but another part of me that knew I needed to do this.
I really believed that I was going to die. It was frog poison and I grew up being told that frog poison can kill a person. All I really knew about was poison dart frogs and what I knew about them was very limited. I trusted my friend though. After all, she had taken this frog medicine several times and was still alive, so, I decided that I would probably be just fine.
I prepare according to her suggestions. We go into my bedroom. She sits me against a wall, puts a garbage bucket in front of me and begins scraping some jelly looking stuff from a stick and lines the dots up and leans towards me with a lit incense stick. She tells me she is going to open the gateways and proceeds to burn little dots on my leg before applying the dots on the stick to my newly open wounds.
Within a minute, I begin feeling my heart pound and throbbing in my head. I feel a constriction in my throat and my breathing become rapid. I begin to feel anxious about what was about to happen and I look up at her in a weak, dizzy and helpless way hoping she could make it stop.
She is speaking gently and telling me that I'm okay and to just breathe, but I'm feeling extremely overwhelmed and start becoming nauseated. I then begin to purge yellw and brown fluids excessively into the bucket she provided. As she took the medicine off, I had one last violent purge that felt like my crown was exploding. Dust comes out of my mouth and into the bucket that no one is able to explain. I took rest for a moment before crawling to the tub.
My face was swollen, I had the worst headache and I slunk into the tub with my clothes on and turned the water on to soothe me.
She came in to check on me and I told her that her and her frogs can get out of my house and that I was never going to do this to myself again. She left, but only to get me some fresh fruit.
I slept the rest of the day and straight into the next morning. I was supposed to repeat my session, but I had refused to do so, which she obliged.
I helped her serve a group of ten people that following weekend. On day one everyone had a similar experience to what I had and I swore none of them would return... all of them did. I watched and observed as they returned for their second and third treatments only to see a significant shift in them by day three. I look up at her and say "I'm ready!" and she says "for what?" and I respond "another treatment!"
She served me again and I had the most blissful and unexpected euphoric Kambo experience that was full of complete understanding of what this medicine is and how beautiful it can be.
I spent the next three years assisting ceremonies and doing my own personal work before certifying with Peter Gorman to serve this medicine to others in 2015.
10
08
2023
Responsiblities as a leader
Becoming a healer is a profound journey, but taking on the role of a mentor adds an extra layer of responsibility. There are often unspoken expectations, some of which are realistic, while others can impose unrealistic ideals that dismiss our own human experiences.
When I stepped into my leadership role, my belief was rooted in the idea that we are all equals. I saw myself as a humble sharer of wisdom, passing on what had been generously given to me. In my eyes, those seeking my guidance were on a similar path, having invested the same dedication and effort that I had to earn the privilege of being a medicine carrier.
Every seeker, to me, was a brother or sister in search of guidance. I refrained from assuming an authoritative stance or elevating myself above others, because my healing journey had taught me that true equality reigns, with no one person superior to another.
At the outset, my intentions were pure, and I held genuine faith in those who sought me out for mentorship. I was guided by beliefs that, in time, would impart invaluable, albeit painful, lessons.
It wasn't until years later that my rose-tinted glasses were forcibly removed, leaving me gazing into an abyss of confusion. I was confronted with the harsh reality that not all healers bear the same intentions or motives for carrying the medicines, nor are they created equal.
My own path to healing was an arduous process of relinquishing the identities I clung to, and shedding attachments to the tangible world as I knew it. By the conclusion of my personal odyssey, I had learned the art of detachment and unearthed what I deemed to be the ultimate truth about existence: that life's essence lies in connection, respect, and self-love.
While I continued to grapple with lessons and healings, I had finally arrived at a juncture where I could hold space for others. I assisted them in navigating their own pain, leading them towards the possibility of finding happiness, joy, and purpose in life.
Before I embraced the role of a medicine woman and Kambo Practitioner, I devoted three years to my own self-improvement. Three years marked by sobriety and an intimate exploration of my authentic self, beyond the layers of trauma and conditioned pain.
My deepest aspiration was to share this profound healing with others, liberating them from the burdens of lifelong pain we all bear to varying degrees. The realization that some individuals bore the mantle of medicine for profit or to satiate egotistical power dynamics was profoundly disconcerting. In this regard, I was admittedly naive, but I came to understand, albeit through harsh lessons, that not every medicine carrier could be entrusted, and not all held the greater good at heart in their service.
Even now, those who lack moral integrity, particularly self-appointed teachers who falter in looking within and doing the inner work to lead by example, continue to trigger me deeply.
Witnessing individuals who profess to be guides and mentors, yet fall short in embodying the values they preach, strikes a chord within me. It's a poignant reminder of the responsibility that comes with assuming the role of a spiritual leader or mentor. Authenticity demands a rigorous process of introspection, an unflinching examination of one's flaws, and a willingness to confront and heal them.
When these self-proclaimed teachers neglect this vital inner work, it raises questions about the authenticity of their teachings. How can one effectively guide others towards healing and growth when they themselves are unwilling to traverse the depths of their own psyche?
The mentor-mentee relationship is a commitment that spans a lifetime, and it's one I hold with the utmost gravity while still permitting myself the right to my own human experiences that encompasses mistakes and follies as I dig deeper within myself for healing.
After all, healers need healing too and we all are on a continual path to betterment!
10
04
2023
Integrity in Healing
Healers need healing too... this is no secret!
Me for example, I'm VERY opinionated. My belief around the judgments that come up for me is how far I have come in some areas, despite having so much farther to go. It's a journey and a process and at least I recognize my short-comings <-- see, potential judgment! The automatic implication here is that others don't see themselves or the areas in their life that could be improved upon and while I realize this just isn't true nor is it actually what I am saying when I speak of myself and my journey in that statement, but if I'm not careful about how I speak about me and my journey, it can become an outward projection that is not intended.
Unfortunately, there is some truth in that belief. I do hold the belief that others may not be aware of the work they still need to do. I mean, you don't know what you don't know until you know it, right?
As a sacred medicine carrier, I pride myself on doing my absolute best daily to be in alignment and integrity with my work. When I recognize that I am out of alignment, I postpone and cancel ceremonies. After all, I'm only human and real life happens to us all. I've gone so far as to put myself in financial crisis ensuring the integrity of the medicine I carry is handled with the utmost care and to prevent harm to those coming to me seeking healing. Energy transfer is real and it is my responsibility to not pass off anything negative and so, when it is time for me to do my work, I humbly do so without pay.
The sad part of all this, and here comes my judgment again, is that I project this personal expectation and boundary on to other healers, especially those who put themselves in a position to mentor others. I would not want to go and pick up someone's problems if I'm trusting them with my soul, so why would I do that to others? And why are others doing that to people who trust them with their innermost secrets?
I hold my medicines in high regard and I treat them like an esteemed friend and partner. When I share them with others, it is from my heart and if I am not in my heart and if I am operating at less than 100% in my own personal life, no mask or smile I put on can hide what I am truly feeling deep inside. It will show in the service I provide and can impact those who come to me in a potentially detrimental way and that is not why I am in service.
I took a vow to help others, not hurt them and when I see others carrying medicine in a way that does not reflect integrity and genuine care for the work they do and the people who seek them, I am deeply triggered and my judgments take hold.
I'm not perfect, by far. I have a long journey ahead of me in this experience we call life. I've faltered and wavered and made mistakes along this path. I've suffered, I've grown. I survived a few dark nights of the soul. I've had people steal my work and gaslight me when I called them out. I've been to war only to make peace. I have lost friends and gained family. Despite the insurmountable work I have done and how far I have come, I recognize that this is a never ending journey that is exposed in layers.
Medicine work is my main source of income and yet, I will NEVER take advantage of someone's desperate need to heal in the name of making money and paying bills - and I never will! If I have to cancel our sessions, please know, it is from the heart of hearts that I do so and in YOUR best interest, not mine!
© 2024 Copyright. All rights reserved.
We need your consent to load the translations
We use a third-party service to translate the website content that may collect data about your activity. Please review the details in the privacy policy and accept the service to view the translations.